Babies in the Belly

Our home suddenly has an ignited interest in learning where babies come from.  Fun, fun, fun!  ;)  At ages 9, 4.5, and 3, we find ourselves in a bit of a jumbled stage regarding what knowledge is age-appropriate.  We do always seek to give our kiddos as much of the truth as we feel they can comprehend.  We also try to be very thoughtful in our responses, because our children came to us in different ways.  Freddy should never doubt how very much he was loved by his birthmother, or that he is right where he is supposed to be now, with his family.  In our discussions, I have carefully explained that Freddy did not grow in my belly, but that the woman who carried him made sure to find him a Mommy and Daddy who could care for him.  On Freddy's birthday, Myley had forgotten that fact.  She asked, "Did Freddy grow in your belly first, and then me?"  Before I could speak, Freddy replied, "No!  I grew in another woman's belly."  I sat in stunned silence for a moment.  I knew he had been listening to every conversation, but was not expecting him to retain that information and supply it at the applicable moment.  I finally answered with a response I had given in the days past - "That's right, Freddy.  And that woman loved you so much that she found a Mommy and a Daddy who could care for you."  Freddy matter-of-factly stated, "And I was a baby then."  I had to fight back the tears.

Sometimes you forget amidst the excitement of welcoming an adopted child that the entire process began with a loss.  With several losses in fact.  The birth family's loss, because contrary to popular belief, many birth families relinquish their rights with love in their hearts, making a decision they believe is in the absolute best interest of their child.  It's a very sacrificial love, to put someone else's needs entirely above your own.  That is certainly the case in the story of Freddy's birthmother.  There are parts of her story that we do not share with anyone, because when the time comes, Freddy needs to hear them from us and only us.  But his birthmother faced being ostracized and persecuted simply by carrying our son, and could have resorted to other means that might have made her life better and less complicated.  But she chose to think of him, the tiny baby growing inside of her.  She chose to sacrifice, giving him life and taking loss upon herself.

In Freddy's case, his foster family grieved his loss.  They cared for him over 7 months, and together were a family in every sense of the word.  They loved him as their own.  I'll never forget their youngest biological son and the tears that streamed from his beautiful brown eyes down his face on the day we were given custody.  Loss.

Then there is the child's loss.  Even as a baby, there is an innate sense of loss experienced.  It's a natural, God-given connection that is broken, and we do not believe for a second that a child does not "feel" the disconnect in some form or another.  We've talked with many adults who were adopted as children, and for many they may not comprehend it or even remember it, but it remains a part of their story.   

Then there is the adopting family's loss, for the time missed seeing their child grow.  Personally, I try not to think too much of those days.  The mind can wander too far into imagining the trauma and tragedies a child might have experienced while in an orphanage or without his/her family.  The milestones missed, the tender bonding that occurs with your newborn, the trust that is built in those important first years, all the days and nights of giving comfort and care, they are forever lost.

But, heartaches are often blessings in disguise.  Look at it this way - if Freddy had grown in my belly, he would not be the child he is.  He would have different personality traits, different genetics altogether, he would not have been a beautiful little Asian boy!  And we don't want him any other way.  He is exactly the child God meant for him to be, and he is in the exact family God intended for him, and that's why God made love grow in our hearts, not in our bellies!!